British Rail Corporate Identity Manual

 

Champ Man 97/98 - Best Players

Eleven weeks of lockdown. All that time to kill. For the first time in about 13 years I returned to Football Manager - FM20 handheld to be precise - and its slightly dumbed down, simple engine (compared to PC version) was easy to pick up, enjoyable and most importantly ate up some hours.

Anyway it opened a Pandora's box and got me reminiscing about older CM games with mates on whatsapp. So obviously that got us on to the classic CM97/98 and the players that made it. I thought I'd share with you my tactics/signings to make Hartlepool United a force in late 90s football.

First up a bit of tampering on data editor. Pears, O'Connor, Proctor, Cooper and Walton weren't at the club so were free transferred, and in their place came 1997s real life signings (no transfer window remember?) of Norwegian trio Martin Hollund, Stig Olav Larsen and Jan Ove Pedersen, plus Paul Stephenson from York. No extra cash or reputation, I just liked a bit of realism with proper players. 

Once uploaded most of the squad could be transfer listed bar the data ed players plus Lee, Barron, Howard, Beech and Halliday. Then it's time to get the cheque book out. Here's my top signings for Pools -

Goalkeeper

Hollund is a top keeper on the game and undisputed number one. Due to the lack of Norwegian custodians he'll often get called up for international duty as Pools rise through the leagues. But we need a capable deputy for cover and there's none better than Anthony Betterton. Available for free, he'd do a job at a higher level too - in reality he was a Swindon YTS releasee who played non league in Wiltshire.

(Whilst searching for him, you'd often see a young freebie keeper called Nicky Byrne who went on to have a career with Westlife)

Right-back

Johnny Wright. Never comes up on CM forums/chat as a good signing but was always immense for me. Young Norwich releasee who consistently gets seven ratings in division three and due to form usually gets capped for Northern Ireland. Then his value goes up and the big clubs circle.

Centre-backs

Andy Duncan & John Curtis. Two United youngsters often available on frees at the start of the game, although Curtis is sometimes harder to attire and you have to bring him on loan. Both rocks at the back and Curtis will go on to captain England.

Left-back

Can't think of any top LB signings I had, but always strived to bring Poolie hero Rab McKinnon back from Hearts. Gangly ginger Scot with moustache, he was a heart throb with the ladies at the Vic.

Right mid

Phil Mulryne. Another United youngster, often had to bide your time and get him once you'd raise a few bob. Worth every penny as he blossomed in lower leagues and another who'd regularly get called upon by Norn Iron. If I couldn't get him or he signed for someone else, I'd been known to quit and restart - he was such a favourite.

Centre mids

Orients Bjorn Heidenstrom could usually be picked up for £50k and could play at CB too. Fit in well with Pools Scandinavian revolution during that period.

My go to signing though was free transfer Marc Emmers. Veteran Belgian international who was tough tackling, led by example if you gave him the armband and never missed from the penalty spot.

Left mid

Another CM legend  Tommy Larsen from Leeds for about half a mill. Left wasn't his true position but his class shone through. Another Viking joining the Pools and Norses. In real life he was on trial with Hartlepool around 2001 but didn't sign, which was truly heartbreaking.

Centre forwards.

Erik Nevland and Graeme Tomlinson both often come up in conversation, but I had them both and don't remember them setting the world alight. Nevland in particular - I waited about three seasons for his release from United and then he was poor.

My favourite was James Quinn from Blackpool, big target man but would often go for big bucks. With Steve Howard often wanting to leave Pools for bigger club, gave me a few beans to play with and Quinn could be got, the perfect foil for Pedersen.

Another good div three striker was Andrew Mainwaring. Don't panic about the untrendy name, was worth the few quid from 'non league' club - perhaps Walmington's Old Boys? 

So there you have it, a world beating Hartlepool United side from 22 years ago. If only I'd got the job when Mick Tait was sacked.

For further reading on CM97/98 I recommend Dave Blacks excellent website ( https://cm9798.wordpress.com/) and his book (pictured) where he takes control of England at the World Cup 98 to see if he can do better than Hoddle. 

There's also a Quickly Kevin episode dedicated purely to CM97/98 that's excellent. In fact the whole series of the 90s football podcast is superb, so get it listened to if you haven't already.

Him Off The Viz

The hottest ticket in town on Sunday was Simon Donald's book reading. The stand up comic / Viz creator is doing some autobiography excerpts in a tiny second hand bookshop in ye olde Durham. A North East legend. My home town. An air of secrecy and exclusiveness surrounding the whole event. There were only twenty tickets available. Me and my mate have numbers one and two. We're excited. But Jesus, I hope we're not in the front row.

However my memories of the Viz are slim. It's not like I'm not a fan, just when it was in its mid 90s prime I was too young to form part of their readership. That didn't stop me nabbing Dads copies for a sly read. Memories include Spoilt Bastard getting a kicking off the Teletubbies, Cockney Wanker getting his black cab license and overcharging tourists, a readers competition to find any Man United fans actually from Manchester (some numpty angrily wrote in stating that indeed he was, but giving his address as Rochdale - he was promptly told 'Dale has a professional club). And then came my Billy the Fish Football Yearbook and his tales of fish like goalkeeping genius, lethal strike force of Shakin' Stevens and  Mick Hucknall, and buxom squaw Brown Fox with her geet massive chebs.

It's with these thoughts in mind I'm in a Durham pub, trying to recall more Vizzy goodness from memory, mainly so I've got some ammo at hand in I'm case quizzed later. If questioned then at least I'll not be judged as some kind of non Viz fan fraud by the stereotypical die hard comic book nerds that'll no doubt be in the audience, literally, by the dozen.

As the drinks flow me and my pal remember our joint favourite Viz moment, although it was actually post Donald years. Flashback 2010, we're coming back from a Hartlepool away fixture, coincidentally at Rochdale (for any confused Mancs, Pools played Rochdale, not Manchester United), and he bought a copy of Viz at Piccadilly. Now we're on the Northern rattler trying to keep our heads down as it's full of Leeds coming back from wherever they've raped, pillaged and picked up nil points that Saturday afternoon. Only we're laughing like drains at some random bits and pieces, it's only a matter of time before one of West Yorks Neanderthal grunts for the time and once we reply in deep Durham tones we'll promptly have our teeth removed. We're drawing attention to ourselves but we care not a jot for our fate, because we're lost in mirth at the sheer mental daftness on print. Like I say it was post Donald era but I'm sure he'll be happy his legacy is living on in belly laughed guffaws on a delayed train heading north, with football tensions rising...

It's strange that the directions to the People's Book Shop should be turn right  at Waterstones. The "proper" bookshop in all its corporate splendor on the main road, the one we're heading to through a blink-and-you'll-miss-it coffin sized tunnel/alley giving alternate route to the cathedral. Up some creaking, sloping wooden stairs and we're in at close quarters with Mr Donald himself. A unique venue, an icebox laden with Stella Artois (donations welcome), left-wing literature strewn shelves and tough metal seats as sharp as the wit as the man we've come to see...

Donald explains about the hi-tech equipment dotted around. He's recording us for his audiobook. Straight away we're part of this, we're in competition with bigger, better venues and the people of the People's Bookshop will not let our hero down. That's not to say, of course, we're over generous with the laughter - when we giggle and guffaw it's warranted. And there's plenty of laughs to come throughout the night...

Donald recounts autobiography paragraphs with witty results. Some quality coming of age schoolboy japes to pissed up heckling when denied a rigged magazine award. And most memorably when noticing the singer Robert Plant slipping off towards the toilet, Donald quizzed him at loud volume if he was going for one of his famous tunes - Hey Robert, are you going for a Big Log?
Heart warmingly Donald feels the need to over explain things from a certain era, for the younger members of the audience. Given that this is exclusively me and my mate Paul, we feel personally addressed by our hero as he looks over at us, although he's probably sussed us as the stealing dads' Viz types...

Interval. Donald mingles with the crowd given there's no dressing room (or stage curtain (or stage in fact)) to chill out, so is telling jokes and sharing past times with those who remember. It would be nice to listen but I need a wee. Back down the creaky lopsided stairs to form a queue outside the only wash closet. And then I get the aging Comic Book Guy trying to suss me, stating the loaded "the thing with Viz was it was a game changer". Shit. I don't need this. There's a few pints of pre-match Carlsberg swilling round, two bottles of Stella nipping the back of my head, I'm trying to think of what gems I can remember from Mellie's Profanasaurus Rex to fend him off, erstwhile thinking I'd rather be facing those Leeds fans again. Thankfully we're interrupted by someone re-entering the building, triumphantly announcing he took a piz in Varsity across the street. I do the same.

Second half. This mainly consists of FAQ that turn into some hilarious and compelling anecdotes. One such about Viz plots being that the best and funniest tales are based on truth. Donald sitting in a kebab shop at closing time in Toon, Two drunkards are troughing their boxes of death, one peels a string of kebab and starts rubbing it on his neck...
- Heearr, can yee smell porfume on me nek?
Mate, sniffs - Aye I can
First chap (rubs more kebab like a cheap aftershave advert) - worra bout noo?
- Nae lad ah cannae
- Fank fuck for that. Wor lass is like Shorlock fuckin Holmes
It went in Sid the Sexist.

Other memories include Donald's dark days with the newspapers, which he elaborates extensively on his encounters with the gutter press, but also of other celebrities (shall remain nameless) plight. Although not quite what I was expecting, it makes for fascinating listening. I then realise the atmosphere has shifted - this is not longer a stand up comedian doing a gig, we're mates now, he's having a chat amongst friends. Made possible by the intimate venue and the handful of kindred spirits present...

Full time. After bringing the house down with a goal for Pele (won't explain this - buy the book) and a highly amusing North East version of The Wheels on the Bus, we notice two 45 minute sets have spiralled into almost three hours of comedy and quality yarns. Then it's down to the bread and butter of book signing for Donald, no, Simon - we're friends now - with Sid the Sexist Tits Oot for Ian, a shameless photo opportunity with a celeb and a handshake.

A truly unique experience, fun had by all concerned and, most importantly, a new favourite Viz memory.

Dressed to Kill

Finally sourced a copy of Dressers. Cracking read, with some honest and unexaggerated accounts of Motherwell's finest going toe to toe with Aberdeen and Hibs etc. However really enjoyed the extensive clobber section towards the rear. Thought I'd share some of the pages for those who haven't read this cult gem.

Flick to Kick

Dan Tatarsky's book 'an illustrated history of subbuteo'. Which is better than mine, which reads 'sat on Leeds, lost Liverpool 2nd and stood on Ray Wallace'. Regardless, an interesting read which I picked up years ago, but never got round to blogging about. Anyway, here's a few choice snaps from it...

Football Grounds of Britain

Picked up the bible for ground hoppers the other day for a bin lid (quid) in a charity book sale. I love a bargain, love a book and used to love ticking off a new ground (before they all became vast soulless concrete bowls) so was delighted with this gem.

Simon Inglis had already visited every league ground in the country twice during the early and late eighties (for the 1st and 2nd edition), charting their design, history and issues, prior to this final edition from 1996. This edition highlighted the changes to stadia since the Taylor Report was brought in, and, rather impressively, instead of putting updated footnotes at the end of previous paragraphs, Inglis chose to rewrite the whole book from scratch. A truly massive feat given the 92 clubs down here (then Wembley and Cardiff Arms) plus the 'one man and his dog' leagues Scotland has.

Published less than twenty years ago, state of the art forerunning new stadiums like Huddersfield and Boro are lauded by the author. However I'm not sure how he'd have taken to the fact that since going to press a further 22 clubs have left their cherished charming old grounds for ten a penny plastic voids. Going on that rate of change every club could possibly have a new stadium by 2060. I hope not.

The author himself seems to prefer the ramshackle of old, when summing up York City, he retorically asks why do we love the dilapidated and anarcic stadia? - "We plan and we build them haphazardly. We fly in the face of logic. We even have a name for the consequences of all these failings... They are called The Shambles, and just like the football grounds of Britain, we delight in their quirkiness and would not wish them different for all the world..."

Let's assume then that if a fourth edition comes out, the text will now just read "once you've seen one, you've seen them all".

Wooly Book

With Phil Thornton's cult Casuals book now repackaged and reissued (with more class and success than Adidas) in time for its tenth birthday, the author has treated us to a prequel if you like. This novelette is from Lip's childhood, growing up in Runcorn during the 80s. Trials and tribulations as a street urchin, getting the itch and dressing and messing, United v Liverpool etc. I picked mine up direct from Mr Thornton himself, signed. But Casualco.com have them available and reasonably priced, will cost you no more than (another Runcorn based export) Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

World Book Day

The printed word is sacred in this house, and therefore my purchases of books are not frowned upon by the wife like clobber ones are. So to celebrate World Book Day, take a lesson in literature here with these recommendations...

First up Bill Routledge's excellent Northern Monkeys. Refreshingly for a casualesque book, it doesn't start with Scousers nicking Lacoste in 1979, but back with the sharp yet dangerous Teds, to the talc footed Northern Soul dancers and through to the boots and braces of skins. This ultimate bible on every major youth cult from the 1950s to the present day, and how each individual movement has shaped the way us lads dress today. If you want bullshit ''ten of us ran five thousand of them'' ten-a-penny hoolie accounts crudely written by a ghost, then this isn't for you. I know I promised a book review on this but won't bother - It's hardly hot off the press as this is the second edition. Was disappointed to miss out with the limited print first time around, but quite pleased I did. Got this direct from the author and it's signed personally. Lovely.

Next up is the Irvine Welsh Omnibus - Trainspotting, Acid House and the Marabou Stork Nightmares. Got a few other Welsh's for Christmas, but surprisingly non of this novels so was able to snap this up with all three rolled into one. Bought from ex charity shop bookseller World of Books for the princely sum of 99p (and another two quid postage). At 920 pages long that works out approx 0.00325p per page. And they say there's a recession on. Tried reading Trainspotting as a young teenager and couldn't get round the Scotch dialect - so I copped out and bought the film. Older and more mature, and shamefully a Welsh virgin (not many of them around - have you been to Cardiff?), have decided to give the cult books a go in all their Scotch wrote glory. Here's hoping I succeed as I've got six of the fuckers now.

Proper Magazine issue lucky number 13. Bought out of habit but has to be said I'm not immediately feeling this issue. Very commendable they've gone for a spring/summer theme (Surfing) but I know I'm not the only person doesn't really get excited by summer swag. Short sleeves shirts and shorts may be canny for hot weather, but they certainly don't get me sweating with excitement like Hikerdelic jackets or Scandinavian knitwear. Still sure it'll be a good read.

Actually got this a long time ago but don't think I've actually charted it on the blog. Got from Oxfam for a few quid, this is the illustrated history of Subbuteo. An interesting read regarding the nations favourite sport game from humble beginnings to global success to terminal decline. Plenty photos including everyone' favourite the 'Kit chart'.

FAC461 - Graphic Album