Saxon Stories

Welcome to the Good North. Around twenty years ago Nottingham's Casual Tailor was the finest around. Supply parkas. Gun club camos. Cats & Dogs. Jungle Marshes. Those jeans with the cord arse pocket thing. All will have meaning to those Under a Northern Sky. 

Here's a lookbook of various bits of Saxon swag I've owned over the years...

Yaka Clothing

I like an independent clothing brand.

I especially like an independent clothing brand forged out of the darks of a working class coal mining village in North East.

Step forward Yaka Clothing.

A Sunderland based brand put together through the heritage of coal mining and a passion for good quality clothing. And they've been making some smashing looking coach jackets, pastel tees and a summery cord bucket hat. The latter arrived in time for the May bank holiday.

One to keep an eye out for, especially when there's some Perry-esque polos and Harrington's in the pipeline.

Him Off The Viz

The hottest ticket in town on Sunday was Simon Donald's book reading. The stand up comic / Viz creator is doing some autobiography excerpts in a tiny second hand bookshop in ye olde Durham. A North East legend. My home town. An air of secrecy and exclusiveness surrounding the whole event. There were only twenty tickets available. Me and my mate have numbers one and two. We're excited. But Jesus, I hope we're not in the front row.

However my memories of the Viz are slim. It's not like I'm not a fan, just when it was in its mid 90s prime I was too young to form part of their readership. That didn't stop me nabbing Dads copies for a sly read. Memories include Spoilt Bastard getting a kicking off the Teletubbies, Cockney Wanker getting his black cab license and overcharging tourists, a readers competition to find any Man United fans actually from Manchester (some numpty angrily wrote in stating that indeed he was, but giving his address as Rochdale - he was promptly told 'Dale has a professional club). And then came my Billy the Fish Football Yearbook and his tales of fish like goalkeeping genius, lethal strike force of Shakin' Stevens and  Mick Hucknall, and buxom squaw Brown Fox with her geet massive chebs.

It's with these thoughts in mind I'm in a Durham pub, trying to recall more Vizzy goodness from memory, mainly so I've got some ammo at hand in I'm case quizzed later. If questioned then at least I'll not be judged as some kind of non Viz fan fraud by the stereotypical die hard comic book nerds that'll no doubt be in the audience, literally, by the dozen.

As the drinks flow me and my pal remember our joint favourite Viz moment, although it was actually post Donald years. Flashback 2010, we're coming back from a Hartlepool away fixture, coincidentally at Rochdale (for any confused Mancs, Pools played Rochdale, not Manchester United), and he bought a copy of Viz at Piccadilly. Now we're on the Northern rattler trying to keep our heads down as it's full of Leeds coming back from wherever they've raped, pillaged and picked up nil points that Saturday afternoon. Only we're laughing like drains at some random bits and pieces, it's only a matter of time before one of West Yorks Neanderthal grunts for the time and once we reply in deep Durham tones we'll promptly have our teeth removed. We're drawing attention to ourselves but we care not a jot for our fate, because we're lost in mirth at the sheer mental daftness on print. Like I say it was post Donald era but I'm sure he'll be happy his legacy is living on in belly laughed guffaws on a delayed train heading north, with football tensions rising...

It's strange that the directions to the People's Book Shop should be turn right  at Waterstones. The "proper" bookshop in all its corporate splendor on the main road, the one we're heading to through a blink-and-you'll-miss-it coffin sized tunnel/alley giving alternate route to the cathedral. Up some creaking, sloping wooden stairs and we're in at close quarters with Mr Donald himself. A unique venue, an icebox laden with Stella Artois (donations welcome), left-wing literature strewn shelves and tough metal seats as sharp as the wit as the man we've come to see...

Donald explains about the hi-tech equipment dotted around. He's recording us for his audiobook. Straight away we're part of this, we're in competition with bigger, better venues and the people of the People's Bookshop will not let our hero down. That's not to say, of course, we're over generous with the laughter - when we giggle and guffaw it's warranted. And there's plenty of laughs to come throughout the night...

Donald recounts autobiography paragraphs with witty results. Some quality coming of age schoolboy japes to pissed up heckling when denied a rigged magazine award. And most memorably when noticing the singer Robert Plant slipping off towards the toilet, Donald quizzed him at loud volume if he was going for one of his famous tunes - Hey Robert, are you going for a Big Log?
Heart warmingly Donald feels the need to over explain things from a certain era, for the younger members of the audience. Given that this is exclusively me and my mate Paul, we feel personally addressed by our hero as he looks over at us, although he's probably sussed us as the stealing dads' Viz types...

Interval. Donald mingles with the crowd given there's no dressing room (or stage curtain (or stage in fact)) to chill out, so is telling jokes and sharing past times with those who remember. It would be nice to listen but I need a wee. Back down the creaky lopsided stairs to form a queue outside the only wash closet. And then I get the aging Comic Book Guy trying to suss me, stating the loaded "the thing with Viz was it was a game changer". Shit. I don't need this. There's a few pints of pre-match Carlsberg swilling round, two bottles of Stella nipping the back of my head, I'm trying to think of what gems I can remember from Mellie's Profanasaurus Rex to fend him off, erstwhile thinking I'd rather be facing those Leeds fans again. Thankfully we're interrupted by someone re-entering the building, triumphantly announcing he took a piz in Varsity across the street. I do the same.

Second half. This mainly consists of FAQ that turn into some hilarious and compelling anecdotes. One such about Viz plots being that the best and funniest tales are based on truth. Donald sitting in a kebab shop at closing time in Toon, Two drunkards are troughing their boxes of death, one peels a string of kebab and starts rubbing it on his neck...
- Heearr, can yee smell porfume on me nek?
Mate, sniffs - Aye I can
First chap (rubs more kebab like a cheap aftershave advert) - worra bout noo?
- Nae lad ah cannae
- Fank fuck for that. Wor lass is like Shorlock fuckin Holmes
It went in Sid the Sexist.

Other memories include Donald's dark days with the newspapers, which he elaborates extensively on his encounters with the gutter press, but also of other celebrities (shall remain nameless) plight. Although not quite what I was expecting, it makes for fascinating listening. I then realise the atmosphere has shifted - this is not longer a stand up comedian doing a gig, we're mates now, he's having a chat amongst friends. Made possible by the intimate venue and the handful of kindred spirits present...

Full time. After bringing the house down with a goal for Pele (won't explain this - buy the book) and a highly amusing North East version of The Wheels on the Bus, we notice two 45 minute sets have spiralled into almost three hours of comedy and quality yarns. Then it's down to the bread and butter of book signing for Donald, no, Simon - we're friends now - with Sid the Sexist Tits Oot for Ian, a shameless photo opportunity with a celeb and a handshake.

A truly unique experience, fun had by all concerned and, most importantly, a new favourite Viz memory.

Harvest From The Deep

New magazine venture produced by some North Shields connoisseurs. Sport, fashion, music and the simple things in life. And it's northern. Out soon.

Watch this rather amusing space @hftdmagazine for more deets.

It's Grim up North London

Was in quacks the other day thumbing an old copy of Private Eye and came across this comic strip. Made me chuckle so thought I'd share it. I will point out that the North West were wearing them first...

Bishop Auckland vs. Durham City AFC

Heritage Park is a smashing little ground. It's the perfect venue for non league football. When Bishop's left their 100 year old ramshackle Kingsway at the turn of the millennium, it spelled a decade in exile. Shildon's Dean Street. West Auckland's Darlington Road. Both shit holes. Spennymoor's Brewery Field. Home of their fiercest rivals. Finally funds were raised and Heritage Park became reality and their new home in 2010.

It's only been some 8 months since I saw BAFC play Pools in a friendly, but now some Mechano style seated stands are now in place behind one of the goals (no doubt for increased gates for when Darlo play their home games there) where before it was a grassy knoll. So adding that to the main stand and the Town End style covered terrace behind the other goal, you've got a non league ground many cloth capped auld codger's from Consett, Bedlington and Dunston will be envious of. Hell even I'm jealous as a part time Durham fan, and their ground is smart.

My mate is a City fan and as it was his birthday, it made sense to take in this away fixture. I saw City play uni Team Northumbria back in Feb and it was dreggy so I was fearing the worst. But no, this was an enjoyable spectacle between to firm but fair sides, who both enjoyed a mix of on the deck and short direct balls down the wings. They cancelled each other out in the first half, despite both hitting the bar. HT 0-0.

Enjoyed some birthday cake at half time (there's a first for me at football), swilling poor tea and cursing the cold (It's nearly May for fucks sake). The second half carried on much like the first, but really came to life in the last 20 odd minutes. 71 mins in Bishops played a great ball through the middle and the 'Two Blues' pinpoint pass split the City back line like the Red Sea, allowing Johnson to coolly slot home in front of the home terrace. City had been on top too...

So it wasn't a surprise when they equalised. Well, it was from the penalty spot. Five minutes from time Raitt charged down a shot in the area with his arms. A great brave save. Only problem was he wasn't the keeper. Former Leeds United midfielder Ollie Hotchkiss stroked it home and his fog horn leg horn (but mainly fog horn) brother in the away ranks went up a couple of decibels.

We'd take a point we said. The players wouldn't. 88 mins and a corner hung in the air like Ben Dover. A primary school kick it kick it ensued in the box until Baitey stabbed it in for 2-1. Cue pandimonium for literally dozens of City fans.

But the Citizens weren't done there. With 91 minutes on the clock a long ball forward to hustling and bustling Ian Ward, he used his strength to turn is man as the ball looped over him, drew the keeper and let the bounce do the work, lifting it over the custodian and it dropped in just below the bar. Cue outstretched flying celebration. And fuck me he's coming this way. Wardy rushes over to me and my mate on the touchline and we're locked in a cold sweaty embrace as more City lads join in. Happy birthday mate.

Bishies got a even later consolation with virtually the last kick of the game. 3-2 City. Last game of the season and it left us wanting more.

Yorkshire Tweed Cap

Picked up a smashing Moon flat cap from the local M&S outlet today. Based in Guiseley, Leeds, Mr Abraham Moon & Son have been making fine tweeds since 1837, to rival those of that well known Outer Hebrides brand. And they now provide their fine wares to high street staple Marksies (the biggest distributor of Moon Tweed in Britain), but also do a bit of collaborating on occasion with the more discerning designer pallets - D&G and Ralph Lauren being two most recently.

Been after a flat cap for awhile, as quite like that 'cap and crombie' combo. Tried and failed with a Harris Tweed bakerboy and missed out on Connoisseur's Villain cap, and so was pleased as punch to get this blue/black cap for £8.99. A Good Northern piece if ever there was one, were once seen as the uncool old codgers head warmer as he fancied pigeons, raised whippets, and hacked and coughed at non league games - all whilst he supped his bitter with yellowing nicotine stained fingers. Now though the cloth cap is a worldwide symbol of cool and to prove it here's some snaps of icons of mine wearing said garment, both of the tweed and cloth variety...

Suggs

Del Boy (David Jason) - Only Fools

Paul Newman

Bill Murray

Shaun Ryder

Jamie Foreman

Ade Edmondson

Danny Reagan (Donnie Wahlberg) - Blue Bloods

Last Pub Before Norway

Newbiggin-by-the-sea in Northumberia. A deceased Victorian seaside town home to high unemployment and a, quite frankly, frightening sculpture of 'The Couple' looking out to sea. It's also home to the 'Last Pub before Norway', namely the Cresswell Arms. Perched right on the edge of the Town, just shy of the Haven caravan site situated on the dunes, the Cressie isn't a looker and anyone without a local accent would probably turn round and go home thirsty. But there's a warm atmosphere inside, the locale being of the more mature in nature, and the ale is more than passable. There's also a good view of the North Sea battering both members of the couple like a third party in the bedroom. May as well get another round in, 'cause it's a bloody long way to the next boozer...