Pools v Sheffield United (JPT)

Victoria Park. Under the lights. Ten quid in. Pie (balti). Pint. Another one. Usual spot. Love terracing. JPT. 7pm KO. Sheffield United.  We're 3-5-2. Four minutes in. One nil down. Sixes and sevens. Heavy rain. No atmosphere. Good save. Good save. Good save. Where's the defence. Under the cosh. HT. 0-1.

Another pint. Chat. Swear. Laugh. We're 4-4-2. Look comfortable. Look very comfortable. Look better. Than them. Giving them a game. Might get back into this. Through ball. Rakish on it. Square pass. Fenwick. FENWICK. YES. Bouncing. Bobbing. On the stairs. Swear. Cheer. One all.

On top. Going forward. They're League One. We're League Two. But we're at home. We're better. Ooooooh. Close. Flashed by. Atmosphere now. Swear. Clap. Shout. Pools!

3 mins added. One on one. Save. Swear. Corner. Tenth. Need 11. Bet off. Whistle. FT. 1-1. Penalties. Our end. Their keeper. Boo. Goal (us). Cheer. Wave arms. Shout. Goal (them). Quiet. Miss (us). Swear. Blast it. Next time. Wave arms. Goal (them). Swear. Only going one way. Ends 3-4. Out. Again. Still. Some positives. Value for money.

It's a simple game.

West Auckland Town vs. Hartlepool United

West Auckland. The home of the first World Cup winners. Twice. And they love to go on about it - the road sign as you arrive at the town proudly tells you. For any of you who don't know the tale, Thomas Lipton's dream was to create a international trophy and he did so in 1909 - inviting the best from Italy (Torino), Switzerland (Winterthur) Germany (Stuttgart) and, inventors of the sport, England - a club version forerunner of what would eventually become the World Cup. When it come to the choice of the finest team in England, legend has it, he couldn't remember the name of the best club but knew their initials were 'W' 'A' - thus a band of coal mining part timers from County Durham were invited along... First Division Woolwich Arsenal would have to wait a bit longer for European competition.

If that sounds ridiculous, what happened next sounds like myth. West Auckland turned up at the competition, having borrowed, begged and pawned to raise funds, and promptly won it - 2-0 in semis to Stuttgart and by the same scoreline in the final to Winterthur. They returned home heroes.

The myth then turns fairytale when the club were invited back in 1911 to defend their crown. And did so with aplomb. Winning the semis by a now familiar 2-0 score (vs FC Zurich), they then trounced Juventus 6-1 in the final. Mr Lipton said they could keep the trophy, but a few years later the financial implications of the traveling abroad hit home and the club sold anything it could to keep afloat - including the trophy. The eventually got it back in the 70s, only for it for be stolen in a burglary on the clubhouse in 1994. It's never been found.

The Town, and indeed the the club, seems stuck in a timezone well before 1994. A glorified pit village situated on the edge of the Pennines feels like the edge of humanity - if you go beyond it you've drop off the the world. Saying that I use the term 'humanity' quite loosely - my Durham City supporting pal was recounting tales of chew on with the West locals when visiting with the Citizens. And as we took up our place on the terrace with the West hardcore we noticed a few curious stares as kick off approached.

I always enjoy Durham Cup games (despite the fact it's usually youth/reserve level for Pools) as it's cheap, ensures a visit to a ramshackle Northern League ground and it's always under the lights. This time though excitement was at fever pitch as Marlon Harewood was starting (plus a few other first teamers) with a couple of trialists.

The game was fairly even, worryingly as this was supposedly a strong Pools line up, with United probably edging it on chances created. Dutch left winger trialist Sidney Schmeltz, formerly of Oldham, showed some good pace and low crossing, but big striker Harewood fluffed a handful of decent chances that he really should have put away. West broke away late in the half after a poor back pass and former Durham striker Stephen 'Speedie' Richardson coolly slotted home.

Half time and we walked behind the other goal, proving what a lonely existence being a Pools fan can be at these ties - we were the only ones at that end. Our blind loyalty (or stupidity) was rewarded three minutes after the restart when Harewood sprung the offside trap and converted a one on one right in front of us. A congratulatory message of 'Get the fuck in lad' was returned with a 'cheers mate' from the big man, which delighted me even further.

The game descended into a end to end type affair, but by end I mean the edge of the 18 yard area, with neither side really looking like taking the initiative. The pitch certainly didn't help, with upwardly rising slopes at either end - the only time I've seen a match played in a semi circle. As extra time approached a Pools defender was penalized for handball, Alex Francis stepped up from 30 yards and scored one of those free kicks that your side never seems to score -  a pile drived curler right into the upright. Unstoppable. It may have been only for the next round of the Durham Cup, but that free kick would have been worthy of winning the World Cup. Unfortunately for West Auckland, it's unlikely they'll get invited along again...

Brandon United v Hartlepool (Durham Cup)

The clocks have gone back and winter is drawing in. So it's time for the non league clubs still left in the cup to start dreaming of drawing a big fish. I'm not talking about the magic of the FA Cup but the pure majesty of the Durham County Challenge Cup.

Brandon United successfully negotiated the preliminary round and drew Pools, arguably the biggest fish in the pond - even if it is just the reserves. Once upon a time Sunderland plyed their trade in the cup and Pools and Darlo were allowed to field strong teams, leading to memorable cup ties. However the black cats are no longer and Hartlepool have to play the kids. It did pay dividends back in 2005 when United won the competition, the fifth time in the club's history.

The Welfare Ground is a ramshackle ground with a gap in the fence providing the turnstile. I was surprised it was a pretty steep fiver to get in but delighted they'd bothered to produce a programme for the fixture. I climbed the steps to pitch level and was immediately nearly blown back down by gale force winds. The view was impressive though, even in the dark. Most of County Durham spread out below like a carpet - the cathedral and city in the valley, Penshaw Monument on the hill and my home village of Ushaw Moor twinkling invitingly.

The last time I saw Pools play in the DCCC I witnessed a 5-1 humiliation at the hands of Shildon. Despite Brandon being in the division below the railwaymen and having on average four bankruptcy fears a season, I still feared the worse. This sinking feeling was justified when Brandon took the lead two mins in after a defensive howler. One of those real "what am I doing here?" moments, seeing your team concede to a team some eight leagues further down the pyramid.

As the wind picked up and the rain drove in I consoled myself with a cup of tea. In an actual mug. Civilised. As the brew lifted my spirits Pools started playing and looked the better team with strength at the back and centre and pace on the wings. Before I knew it they were 4-1 up through Hawkins, Wignall, Boagey and Armstrong. Half an hour played and my tea not even cold. Brandon got one back on the stroke of half time, another lapse in defense. In the second Nialle Rodney scored what could only be described as a 5 mile an hour net buster' as the ball trickled in and managed to go through the net. 5-2 FT.

On getting home found Darlington had won their tie and was very much looking forward to receiving them in the next tie. However the following day when the balls were drawn they got Gateshead and we got Consett...

Wimbledon v Franchise MK

The FA Cup tie that should never have been if the FA had done its job in 2002. The soul of a South London community ripped away and relocated 70 miles north in Milton Keynes, twinned with Middle Earth. A disgusting and unfeasible idea that somehow came true. An appalling excuse for a football club, taking the heritage and history of Wimbledon FC to get their place in the Football League, and then throw it away once established. Merton Council became the proud owners of replica FA Cups and the like and they kindly passed them on to the breakaway club - AFC Wimbledon.

AFC have since become everyone's second favourite team. A football club run like what a football club should be run like, by the fans for the fans. They've been used as a template for other supporters fed up with their lot (FC United) or fans who's clubs require rising from the ashes of going bust (Halifax, Chester etc.). Starting out at the lowest level they've fought their way back into the Football League within the decade since formed.

 And yesterday the two entities that were once Wimbledon FC came together in the FA Cup second round. Myself, like countless others, tuned in to ITV as an honoury Womble for the day. Many actual Wimbledon fans boycotted the event, unable to face the scene of the crime. Many did make the journey and were in superb voice - no mean feat given many were wearing smog masks to protect them from toxic MK. The AFC directors themselves refused their seats in the directors box and took up residence behind the goal with the other real dons fans - all in it together. The disgusting Franchise MK fans, many of whom were no doubt 'loyal' Spurs/Arsenal/Man U fans before the 'club' formed in 2004, adopted the Millwall chant 'No One Likes Us'. True. And no one likes Millwall. But, unlike you lot, no one wishes their families dead.

It was a decent game. AFC the plucky underdogs had the spirit of the crazy gang on their side. The veteran goalkeeper Sullivan calm and assured, the defence strong and resolute, the wingers nippy and dangerous and the forwards brave and daring. MK making me feel sick with their ex semi pro Scouse James Corden lookalike boss Karl Robinson (bet he's a hit with the ladies) and well organised team. They scored first and grudgingly it was a beauty. In a game that was 50-50, a 25 yarder from Gleeson curled past the keeper and knocked the wind out of AFC just before half time. ''You're getting beat by a Franchise'' chanted the MK parasites.

They were still reeling after the break and looked short of confidence as Franchise turned the screw and looked to go on to win. 42 year old Neil Sullivan, who's career has come full circle after being an original Wimbledon player, made a string of decent saves to keep MK away. Things looked bleak. And then AFC broke away and scored. A cross in from the lively right winger was met by a diving head from Jack Midson. Cue a mini pitch invasion from the Wombles who'd spent the best part of ten years waiting for that goal.

Unfortunately for them, The club, fans everywhere and football in general, the celebrations were short lived. MK Dons scored a winner in the 89th minute. The underhand club scored in the most underhand way. A deflected backheel found its away past the keeper and crashed into the net. Cue delirium from a bunch of soulless wankers and cry's of anguish from every decent football supporter worldwide...

Now that the tie is over, all the best to AFC Wimbledon in whatever competition they're in and let's go on ignoring MK Dons until they go under. Don't acknowledge them.

England v Sweden

At the end of the day it wouldn't be a true England tournament performance if we didn't do things the hard way. Or use the phrase 'at the end of the day'. The English were to prevail against the swedes and get the victory - it was a foregone conclusion according to messrs Hansen, Shearer and Dixon prior to the match. What insider knowledge they had I'm unsure given they were sat in Salford.

Same old England for the majority of it though. Blind optimism after a well taken header by Carroll followed by typical sloppy showing from the lions, losing possession too easily and failing to dictate the pace of play. After scoring the first it was similar to going a goal up against the French, defence sitting too deep and not closing down anyone on the edge of the area. Managed to limp to half time. 1-0.

For a team supposedly building from the back with a strong defence, England didn't half look shaky and the part time Swedes exposed this twice. The first goal was a comedy of errors and the second from static grounded defenders and lack of communication from the keeper. Any confidence gained by resolute defending vs. France, gone in two moments of madness against the unfancied Swedes. 1-2.

But then Hodgson showed tactical guile bringing on Theo Walcott. The lad has been waiting for his chance in a tournament to come. But on the flip side of that, England have been waiting for him to arrive at a tournament. Still living off his hatrick against Croatia in an ill fated qualification campaign, Mark Lawrenson rightly said 'it's time to shine'. And shine he did. Second touch he hit a decent effort on target which completely eluded eight yellow shirts and wrong footed the keeper. 2-2. Shortly after that he dashed through the defence to play a quick square ball for Welbeck to expertly bundle home. 3-2.

Four points out of six will surely see us through, but after this performance it's back to pessimism. If we play like this against the likes of Spain or Germany, what'll happen? Food for thought. However back to tonight, a victory is a victory even if you do things the hard way, and England showed us just why we love them and hate them in the space of 90 minutes.

England v France

Well that was better than expected eh? Roy Hodgson's Three Lions putting in a fairly solid performance against the French. Well taken goal by Lescott, Young and Welbeck bright as buttons up front, Parker running himself into the ground and Milner going close. Not a vintage performance by any means, old England habits dying hard as we struggled to keep possession and switched off for Nasri's goal, but definitely a better result than all the doom and gloom merchants had predicted. We'd have all taken a point from this at the start of the day.

The start of the day had the wife making a point at me - I'd put some chicken legs in late last night to cook off, but went on xbox, forgot and then woke up to her calling me a fucking idiot and finding little Egyptian mummies in the roasting bag, the house smelling of an open grave and the oven spluttering. Definitely taking a point from her, never mind the French. Then after she'd left us lads to it, we popped out and lugged a crate of Carling Zest home from Sainsburys under the bairns buggy. Then resplendent in our matching 2010-11 England 'non competiton' replica home shirts, we sat playing and whiling the afternoon away waiting for the big moment. Well I did, but Jakey is 18 months old and didn't really grasp the whole 'first tournament' thing. Plus he had a bit of a dicky tum and a cold so was a bit twisty by 5pm. Although did get a decent photo of him stood for God Save the Queen, although disappointing he had to have his dummy in. Twist.

Then as a family it was pizza, a beer each (fruit shoot for the bairn) and viewing a decent England tournament opener. One point on the board, we'll see what happens in the other match tonight and then two easy (on paper) games against Sweden and the Ukraine. Will it be same old excruciating England or the start of when things finally change...

Euros Skeptic

Euro 92 - Swedes 2 Turnips 1

English disease in Malmo

96 - Penalty defeat to Germans again

The nearly men

Tears of a Clown

2000 - Exit Finger

2004 - Rooney goes home injured...

And the hopes of a nation go with that Penalty.

2008 - Mishap

Didn't even make it.

Shildon vs. Pools (Durham Cup)

It's a funny one the Durham Challenge Cup. It's a secondary competition that Pools (reserves) take part in yearly, yet it's seldom advertised and I don't find out about matches until too late. Had an annoyingly poor run of form of late. One year we were playing Brandon United, a ground I could see from my bedroom round my mams in the distance. I even noted the floodlights were on one November evening, wondering who they were playing. It was fucking Hartlepool. Another crushing moment was when I was at a league game reading the programme, only to find action photos of a midweek game held at the Vic against Durham City. My first and second team playing each other and the club website negated to tell me. Twats. A final insult to injury was in 2005, freshly out of uni, unemployed and without car, Pools reached the cup final. But being Easter Monday there were no buses running to take me to the other side of town to Durham City's ground, where they crushed Billingham Town.

So this time I was well prepared. Checked Durham FAs website for the date of the draw and it was Shildon who earned the plum tie of Hartlepool United at home. A midweek evening fixture so with work not interfering as usual at weekends, it was off to Shildon - the self publicized 'Cradle of the Railways'.

Its a strange place. A semi large County Durham town, just off from Bishop Auckland. For a decent sized urban area it has no town centre to speak of, just a few shops of bargain basement types and a handful of evil pubs. Even the towns railway station is hidden away in the middle of a housing estate away from what would be dubbed the centre. My mate who's a Durham fan came along and offered to do the driving, boasting that he'd been to a building next door to the ground with work. Half an hour later we were the only football fans at Shildon's athletic stadium. Google maps showed were Dean Street ground was and another five minutes on the journey required.

As with most Northern League grounds its very ramshackle and run down. A main stand with a hundred or so seats and a covered terrace, with netting behind goals. Terraced houses peep over the walls but no one was in their bedrooms catching a free glimpse of cup football. Except some bloke, who with ladders propped up next to him, was sat on a deckchair on his garden shed roof, exposed to windy rainy elements - supping a few cans of Fosters. We questioned a few Shildon fans and they said 'oh, aye - that's Gary. He does it every game'. Legend.

Very much boys against men for Pools. The Durham FA have shot themselves in the foot, imposing that the 'big fish' who take part only select players who haven't been near the first team within the past two months - which means half of the usual reserve team have to sit out, meaning Mickey Barron had to select a handful of U16 players. This rule used to apply to Sunderland but they don't take part anymore and not 100% certain if it'll apply to non league Darlo and Gateshead. But surely the prospect of allowing us to select a few out-of favour-professionals, or those coming back from injury, would generate a few extra bob for the hard up Northern League? I can understand it's done in the interest of fairness on the part-time/amateur clubs, but I think the DFA have misunderstood just how seriously Hartlepool would take the competition if they could - Since 1884 United have only won it five times.

And thus because of the absense of any pros, Pools didn't win owt with the kids. They applied themselves well enough, the young defence in particular closing down well. But a dubious penalty decision and a quick breakaway made it 2-0 to Shildon at the break. United changed the formation, went attacking and  made it 2-1 through Lewis Hawkins. A stunning third goal killed it off and the kids suffered a collapse, conceding two late goals. At 5-1 it was highly unfair but Shildon were always going to win.