Ten Reasons Why I hate Soccer AM...

1) Helen Chamberlain - She isn't, or never has been, that fit. People fucking rave about her, although I'm guessing it's mainly by the under age drinking brigade, who's parents have paid to put Sky in their bedroom, and can therefore have a cheeky hungover shuffle under blankets to her after a Friday night binge. Hell's Bells! Plus there's no doubt she's a big football fan. Would you want that in a woman? I want a lass who doesn't realize, or turns a blind eye to, what goes on on a Saturday afternoon. I don't want arguments about suspect offsides or refereeing decisions with me lass. She should be talking about nondescript womanly things that mean the world to her kind and not that much to us, as you drift out and give the telly your focus, occasionally agreeing when it sounds like she requires a response... "Are you fucking listening to me?!" That's a lass. Not a fucking gobshite Torquay United supporter. Oh, and she drives a better car than you in her Austen Martin, which she seems to mention at least twice in an episode.

Erm...she's not that fit

2) The word 'Soccer' is in the title - Welcome to Britain, don't use that word.

3) It's A Shite Baddiel and Skinner -Follows the Fantasy Football League mantra but at least that was on late so they could be rude and say naughty words, thus providing the odd giggle. Plus that finished many moons ago. They had the foresight to realise FFL was growing old and outdated and put a bullet in its head. There's no such luck with Soccer AM. Yet.

4) Celebrity Guests - From trendy teen bands or cult television programmes proving that Soccer AM has it's finger on the cusp of what's hip and now. But they're usual boring as fuck, attempting to add to the atmosphere with funny comments that no one finds funny. What is funny however is that they always support tMan Utd/City, Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. 


5) Pat McGroin / Hairy Strikers / Frankie Frier - Unoriginal. Unfunny.

6) The Full Kit Wankers of the week - Blackburn Rovers, Aston Villa, Crew Alex et al. They've all been on. Eight of your clubs twatty supporters who wear the full kit with no shame - and at least three of them are usually fucking massive. They make a bit of noise and grunt/cheer during the interviews to ensure the 'banter' reaches fever pitch. They also get to sing about how great their support is for their club, although by the looks of some of them Soccer AM is the only awayday they've ever been on.

Millwalls Finest

7) Tim Lovejoy - Obviously he's not on it anymore but Soccer AM gave this cretin the platform to carve out a career in TV. Once upon a time it was just the armchair fans who subscribed to SKY who were stuck with him, but now the prick is exposed to the nation on terrestrial channels. Arrogant and ignorant, this child of the Premier League calls himself a massive football supporter, but openly admits he's clueless about anything going on below 20th place in the EPL. Has been interviewed many times and always says the same, that big money, foreign owners and expensive import signings are good for the game. By game he means the top division. Was allowed to preach this opinion from his pedestal for too long, spokesperson for the glamerous Premier League and modern football. A puppet for Sepp Blatter, footsoldier for Roman Abramovich etc. When he left Soccer AM he stated that hardest thing ''Is the thought that I might no longer be influencing the game'' - with statements like that he deserves his gay sit in with Simon Rimmer on whatever fucking channel is showing them cook shite on a Sunday.

Love's Rimmer

8) Anyone Presenting Who Isn't Tim Lovejoy - There's people who have sat next to Helen instead of him, trying to actually emulate the cunt.

9) It's Pointless - Another one of Sky's measures in their reinvention of football, along with early kick offs, Monday night fixtures, Gary Neville deconstructing goals and moves with painful and needless accuracy, and Sky Sports News. One of those 'glamerous' extras we must live with to watch the beautiful game whilst Sky has it in the palm of its cold hard hand.

10) It Goes On and On - It's on a LONG fucking time. Instead of watching that shite, why not do a few jobs in that time for the missus to get in her good books, and then use that window gained in the afernoon to spend a fiver and go watch your local non league club?

Carlton Palmer is a Wanker

Does anyone actually like him? I'm putting forward the simple arguement of 'no'. Reasons -

As a Hartlepool United fan, we don't like him as he wound up club legend and hero Brian Honour in a FA Cup match in 1993. After he'd kicked Wor Jackie into the air then accused him of diving and being a 'cheating little shite', he proceeded to make his mouth go constantly - comments such as 'I'm getting paid two grand for this match, how do you get by?', 'this summer I was playing for England, what were you doing?' and similar taunts led to fellow Sheff Wed team mates Trevor Francis and Danny Wilson telling him to 'shut it' and 'stop being a prick'. So he's hated by Poolies one and all.

But it's not just us surely. He was part of an unfashionable George Graham Leeds United, so they can't be fond. And was relegated at Coventry and Nottingham Forest - again they can't be keen? Even his previous managers have had digs at him. Big Ron (manager at WBA, Sheff Wed & Forest) famously said 'Carlton can trap a ball further than I can kick it'. There was a similar theme Southampton, where Dave Jones said "He covers every blade of grass out there, but that's only because his first touch is so crap". He also noted that in the dressing room was "abrasive, awkward and argumentative" - university speak for 'twat'.

All England fans will remember Graham Taylors ill fated regime were work rate and doggedness was rated over flair and skill. Therefore Palmer was included in the England squad that flopped at Sweden 92 and failed to reach USA 94, winning 18 caps during these dark days in English football.

He's potentially hated even more as a manager. At Stockport County he led his troops to lose ten out of his opening 11 games in 2001. Relegation form surely? Yep. The Hatters went down to division two and proceeding to win only eight in their first 22 in the Football League's middle tier. He was sacked in Sept. 2003 and problems have continued at Stockport since.

Despite this he managed to get another manager's job, this time at Mansfield Town in 2004-05. Poor form yet again led to abuse from the fans and he walked with the Stags in the relegation zone. Another team Palmer successfully guided to failure. He still wasn't satisfied with what he had achieved (namely pissing the Mansfield fans off) and went back, as a TV pundit for a live cup match with Boro, to do what he did best (namely piss Mansfield fans off further) by openly critiscisng their star player of the day (name escapes me, possibly Simon Brown?) saying he lacked desire and commitment - something Palmer himself was short of when he resigned as manager of Mansfield because the fans were singing a few nasty songs.

Finally he gets in bathtubs with football fans in the name of betting. Not pleasant behaviour.

In short a bit of a nobhead. In tall, a bit of a tall nobhead.