Ten Reasons Why I hate Soccer AM...

1) Helen Chamberlain - She isn't, or never has been, that fit. People fucking rave about her, although I'm guessing it's mainly by the under age drinking brigade, who's parents have paid to put Sky in their bedroom, and can therefore have a cheeky hungover shuffle under blankets to her after a Friday night binge. Hell's Bells! Plus there's no doubt she's a big football fan. Would you want that in a woman? I want a lass who doesn't realize, or turns a blind eye to, what goes on on a Saturday afternoon. I don't want arguments about suspect offsides or refereeing decisions with me lass. She should be talking about nondescript womanly things that mean the world to her kind and not that much to us, as you drift out and give the telly your focus, occasionally agreeing when it sounds like she requires a response... "Are you fucking listening to me?!" That's a lass. Not a fucking gobshite Torquay United supporter. Oh, and she drives a better car than you in her Austen Martin, which she seems to mention at least twice in an episode.

Erm...she's not that fit

2) The word 'Soccer' is in the title - Welcome to Britain, don't use that word.

3) It's A Shite Baddiel and Skinner -Follows the Fantasy Football League mantra but at least that was on late so they could be rude and say naughty words, thus providing the odd giggle. Plus that finished many moons ago. They had the foresight to realise FFL was growing old and outdated and put a bullet in its head. There's no such luck with Soccer AM. Yet.

4) Celebrity Guests - From trendy teen bands or cult television programmes proving that Soccer AM has it's finger on the cusp of what's hip and now. But they're usual boring as fuck, attempting to add to the atmosphere with funny comments that no one finds funny. What is funny however is that they always support tMan Utd/City, Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. 


5) Pat McGroin / Hairy Strikers / Frankie Frier - Unoriginal. Unfunny.

6) The Full Kit Wankers of the week - Blackburn Rovers, Aston Villa, Crew Alex et al. They've all been on. Eight of your clubs twatty supporters who wear the full kit with no shame - and at least three of them are usually fucking massive. They make a bit of noise and grunt/cheer during the interviews to ensure the 'banter' reaches fever pitch. They also get to sing about how great their support is for their club, although by the looks of some of them Soccer AM is the only awayday they've ever been on.

Millwalls Finest

7) Tim Lovejoy - Obviously he's not on it anymore but Soccer AM gave this cretin the platform to carve out a career in TV. Once upon a time it was just the armchair fans who subscribed to SKY who were stuck with him, but now the prick is exposed to the nation on terrestrial channels. Arrogant and ignorant, this child of the Premier League calls himself a massive football supporter, but openly admits he's clueless about anything going on below 20th place in the EPL. Has been interviewed many times and always says the same, that big money, foreign owners and expensive import signings are good for the game. By game he means the top division. Was allowed to preach this opinion from his pedestal for too long, spokesperson for the glamerous Premier League and modern football. A puppet for Sepp Blatter, footsoldier for Roman Abramovich etc. When he left Soccer AM he stated that hardest thing ''Is the thought that I might no longer be influencing the game'' - with statements like that he deserves his gay sit in with Simon Rimmer on whatever fucking channel is showing them cook shite on a Sunday.

Love's Rimmer

8) Anyone Presenting Who Isn't Tim Lovejoy - There's people who have sat next to Helen instead of him, trying to actually emulate the cunt.

9) It's Pointless - Another one of Sky's measures in their reinvention of football, along with early kick offs, Monday night fixtures, Gary Neville deconstructing goals and moves with painful and needless accuracy, and Sky Sports News. One of those 'glamerous' extras we must live with to watch the beautiful game whilst Sky has it in the palm of its cold hard hand.

10) It Goes On and On - It's on a LONG fucking time. Instead of watching that shite, why not do a few jobs in that time for the missus to get in her good books, and then use that window gained in the afernoon to spend a fiver and go watch your local non league club?

FAC461 - Graphic Album

Recent Purchases

Few bits and pieces amassed during last couple of months -

Aquascutum scarf. Had one of these for yonks but outed it on eBay and regretted it. I know the house check is a oft maligned thing these days, but 'Water shield' scarf is a classic. Picked up this lana wool one from TKM.

Getting back into me skinhead gear - got a crombie jacket recently but couldn't get a decent photo of it - and this vintage houndstooth shirt fits the bill perfectly. It's by Ralph Lauren which obviously isn't traditional skinhead gear but it's got no branding and the staple button down collar. A winner for a bin lid off eBay.

From the sublime to the faintly ridiculous. Another Ralph shirt (I do wear other brands I promise) with no branding but with a whacky design that could only be Lauren. Patchwork quilt 'Bob Camp' short sleeved button down, again for next to nowt offa fleabay.

Chatham have been providing top notch quality boating gear for over two decades now. Based in Kent they've become a staple label for British designed and made technical clothing for offshore activities. Smart pair of brown deck shoes from TKM for £15.

Break from the norm with these. Certainly never have been or never will be a plimsol wearer, and have previously scoffed at guys on forums claiming Supergra kicks are good. Still not a hundred percent on them, but they're comfy and will be decent for kicking around in. And couldn't resist from same TKM for £7. Daft money.

Balls to all that half and half scarf nonsense. But don't mind flashing a bit of club and country. Got this Pools/England badge for the San Marino game back in October as I tried to get excited about national games again. Didn't work. And a steward mistook it for a Burnley badge.

Issue two of Stand AMF. Issue No 1 sold out with a fortnight so was pleased got the second issue of the best magazine around at the moment. Worried I might of missed out as it went AWOL in the post but those #AMF lads sent out another one no questions asked.

Slightly disappointing artwork and album title, but being a Madness die hard the incredibly positively named Oui Oui Si Si Ja Ja Da Da has been added to the stack of CDs. The nutty boys tenth studio album is a bit less exciting as some efforts, but still a couple of cracking tunes on it. The main single they're pushing 'My Girl 2' is a splendid blend of ska mixed with Northern Soul. Beautiful.

Factory Records Graphic Album book. Wanted this for ages and the wife duly delivered with this on my birthday. Expect a post on this very very soon...

Vintage Teapot

 
Only stumbled across Teapot Vintage after they started following me on Twitter. Thought the name was a bit strange so followed the link and came across a pretty exciting vintage clothing retailer based in Manchester. A quick root sees that it's predominantly for lasses but they got a fair few used one offs for blokes - labels like LL Bean, Barbour, Lacoste Izod and K-way making appearances at reasonable prices. Nowt much in my size at the moment but will be keeping tabs on this site from now on. They've got the mandatory blog to follow too...

The Madness

Also known as the embarrassment (excuse the pun) in Madness' history. The lesser known album/band has all but been whitewashed out of Madness back catalogue and their past.

After the Nutty Boys broke up in 1986 a few of the guys put together another band in 1988. Suggs, Chas, Lee and Chris went it alone, and wanted a new name for the venture - A new band with new music, leaving all the nutty madcap music behind them, music that didn't seem to feel right or have a place in late 80s Thatcher's Britain. The name they opted for was 'The Wasp Factory', after the Ian Banks novel of the same name they were all reading at the time. However an underground band already had that name and pleaded with them not to use it. So they didn't. And unimaginatively came up with putting the prefix 'The' before Madness.

By doing that though they shot themselves in the foot. This was going to be seen as a Madness album, so people would expect that nutty sound. And with the band having gone their seperate ways in 1986, this was going to be seen as their comeback. So if this was Madness where were Bedders, Barso and Woody? Those three members weren't given the chance to join as the other four did it behind their backs. In fact this left a sour taste in the mouth of Woody in particular (who was replaced by original lead singer John Hasler on drums), when a 1995 tour programme interview asked 'What was the biggest mistake Madness ever made?' he replied 'The Madness'.

He needn't have worried though. The Madness fell flat on their arse. The album, which I have had for years and never listened to fully, is as unimaginative as the band title. It's boring, subdued and plain. At best. It spawned two singles which both failed to reach the top 40. One of which was I Pronounce You. When the chaps were about to perform it on Friday Night Live and the lunatic Josie Lawrence was building them and the single up as nutty, Suggs and Chas had to admit that it 'hardly nutty at all'. Worse of all Ben Elton then introduced them as Madness and not The Madness. The song itself was the pick of the album but it was plodding and melancholic, thus mediocre at best. Strangely although it has never appeared on any Madness greatest hits album, it curiously appears on Divine Madness DVD.

So there you have it. The recent 'Oui Oui Si Si Ja Ja Da Da' is not the tenth studio album that Madness proclaim it is. It's actually the eleventh. Thanks to the embarrassing footnote that was The Madness. The Madness. It really was.