Football Italia

Goooooalazzzzzo!

Anyone who remembers that iconic goal shout will remember channel fours biggest sporting achievement - bringing glamerous Italian Serie A football to terrestrial television sets.

It's actually only been seven years since the Football Italia programne finished in 2008 (2002 on C4), but it seems longer as it was far removed from it's mid 90s heyday.

Back then it had everything. Saturday mornings the suave James Richardson sat crossed legged enjoying a leisurely alfresco breakfast whilst dissecting the Italian sports pages for us. Interviews with world class players plying their trade in the then best league on earth. And then goal round ups from previous weekend, with seemingly all involving high skill and/or spectacular finishing.

Sunday afternoons really were Super Sundays, free televised full match of something like the Milan derby. No Stoke v Hull being billed as 'Super' and charging £40 a month.

There'd often be a few ex pats on display as English geniuses like Gascoigne, Platt, Ince and, er, Dorigo left our dull old game to put their wits against Maradona, Baggio, Vialli, Maldini, Zola et al. Pundetry would be Mr cool again, Richardson, but Italian football connoisseurs like Paul Heaton and Elvis Costello would occasionally show up to provide their expertry.

The fans were unreal too. Far left and far right and seldom in between, cauldrons of noise, flares and flags. Support taken to ultra level.

Pink strips. Never seen those before. Palmero and Juventus (away) proudly trotting out in 'salmon'. Cool. Fiorentina sponsored by Nintendo. And their away kit with the Nazi swastika hidden in it. Squad numbers in the 30s and 40s was a foreign concept too given the English football league was still using 1-11.

In short mid 90s Italian footie had glamour, class, wealth and style. And it was all epitomised by Football Italia. Bellissimo.

Orient For A Fiver

It's strange but I look back fondly on Hartlepool's meagre existence during the mid 90s - financial turmoil, boadroom squabbles, management changes, substandard non contract / non league loan players and dwindling crowds. It seemed real. That was real football to me. It was real enough at many other football clubs too, non more so than (old) 2nd division Leyton Orient in 1994.

The debt ridden club was put up for sale, with the chairman jokingly stating that he'd expect a fiver for them. It was a press wet dream and a channel 4 camera crew were dispatched to Brisbane Road to film a fly on the wall documentary. Centred around the O's joint management team of John Sitton and future Pools boss Chris Turner, it was the sweary Sitton that stole the scenes (but not hearts) and became a cult hero.

Having played for Chelsea and Millwall during the 80s he had a reputation as an uncompromising hard man. This was something, and indeed the only thing, he put into his management technique, as tactics and guise were overlooked for fucking sweary fucking angry fucking teamfuckingtalks.

After a few halftime hairdryer tirades (that would make Alex Ferguson cry) come and go to no avail, his club are bottom of the league with injuries and suspension ruining his squad and his future in the balance, his key moment came at half time one nil down to Blackpool. And unusually calm Sitton starts off his team talk by giving fans favourite Terry Howard a fortnights notice. He sacks his best player. 45 minutes in.

And either fearing a backlash from the rest of the squad or a blind determination to show he's numero uno he utters the following line -
''You, you little cunt, when I tell you to do something, do it, and you, you big cunt, when I tell you to do something, you fucking well do it.
And if you come back at me, we'll have a right fucking sort out in here. And you can fucking pair up if you like. You can even get someone to fucking help if you like. And you can bring your fucking dinner. Cos by the time I'm through with you you'll fucking need it''.

His words don't have the desired effect and with new owners wishing to make 'wholesale' changes Sitton and Turner (and Howard bless him) duly lose their jobs. Sitton was banned from visiting Brisbane Road and Orient's training ground, and had over 60 Football League jobs applications rejected and briefly managed non league Leyton FC. He claimed he was 'deeply embarrassed' by the way he was portrayed in the documentary and said he missed the game 'that had turned its back on him'. He went on to drive a black cab.

Ten Reasons Why I hate Soccer AM...

1) Helen Chamberlain - She isn't, or never has been, that fit. People fucking rave about her, although I'm guessing it's mainly by the under age drinking brigade, who's parents have paid to put Sky in their bedroom, and can therefore have a cheeky hungover shuffle under blankets to her after a Friday night binge. Hell's Bells! Plus there's no doubt she's a big football fan. Would you want that in a woman? I want a lass who doesn't realize, or turns a blind eye to, what goes on on a Saturday afternoon. I don't want arguments about suspect offsides or refereeing decisions with me lass. She should be talking about nondescript womanly things that mean the world to her kind and not that much to us, as you drift out and give the telly your focus, occasionally agreeing when it sounds like she requires a response... "Are you fucking listening to me?!" That's a lass. Not a fucking gobshite Torquay United supporter. Oh, and she drives a better car than you in her Austen Martin, which she seems to mention at least twice in an episode.

Erm...she's not that fit

2) The word 'Soccer' is in the title - Welcome to Britain, don't use that word.

3) It's A Shite Baddiel and Skinner -Follows the Fantasy Football League mantra but at least that was on late so they could be rude and say naughty words, thus providing the odd giggle. Plus that finished many moons ago. They had the foresight to realise FFL was growing old and outdated and put a bullet in its head. There's no such luck with Soccer AM. Yet.

4) Celebrity Guests - From trendy teen bands or cult television programmes proving that Soccer AM has it's finger on the cusp of what's hip and now. But they're usual boring as fuck, attempting to add to the atmosphere with funny comments that no one finds funny. What is funny however is that they always support tMan Utd/City, Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. 


5) Pat McGroin / Hairy Strikers / Frankie Frier - Unoriginal. Unfunny.

6) The Full Kit Wankers of the week - Blackburn Rovers, Aston Villa, Crew Alex et al. They've all been on. Eight of your clubs twatty supporters who wear the full kit with no shame - and at least three of them are usually fucking massive. They make a bit of noise and grunt/cheer during the interviews to ensure the 'banter' reaches fever pitch. They also get to sing about how great their support is for their club, although by the looks of some of them Soccer AM is the only awayday they've ever been on.

Millwalls Finest

7) Tim Lovejoy - Obviously he's not on it anymore but Soccer AM gave this cretin the platform to carve out a career in TV. Once upon a time it was just the armchair fans who subscribed to SKY who were stuck with him, but now the prick is exposed to the nation on terrestrial channels. Arrogant and ignorant, this child of the Premier League calls himself a massive football supporter, but openly admits he's clueless about anything going on below 20th place in the EPL. Has been interviewed many times and always says the same, that big money, foreign owners and expensive import signings are good for the game. By game he means the top division. Was allowed to preach this opinion from his pedestal for too long, spokesperson for the glamerous Premier League and modern football. A puppet for Sepp Blatter, footsoldier for Roman Abramovich etc. When he left Soccer AM he stated that hardest thing ''Is the thought that I might no longer be influencing the game'' - with statements like that he deserves his gay sit in with Simon Rimmer on whatever fucking channel is showing them cook shite on a Sunday.

Love's Rimmer

8) Anyone Presenting Who Isn't Tim Lovejoy - There's people who have sat next to Helen instead of him, trying to actually emulate the cunt.

9) It's Pointless - Another one of Sky's measures in their reinvention of football, along with early kick offs, Monday night fixtures, Gary Neville deconstructing goals and moves with painful and needless accuracy, and Sky Sports News. One of those 'glamerous' extras we must live with to watch the beautiful game whilst Sky has it in the palm of its cold hard hand.

10) It Goes On and On - It's on a LONG fucking time. Instead of watching that shite, why not do a few jobs in that time for the missus to get in her good books, and then use that window gained in the afernoon to spend a fiver and go watch your local non league club?

This is England 88

This is England 88 finished last night and have to conclude there was three excellent episodes from Mr. Meadows. TIE86 was good but this time he quite rightly was the sole director (the first two episodes of 86 he lent out and weren't that good). BAFTA award winning Vicky McClure (Lol) was brilliant as she has been throughout the film/series, but for me Joe Gilgun (Woody) was outstanding. His witty, charming and endearing character was rightly put at the forefront of this installment, and Gilgun steals every scene he's in, be it funny, awkward or sad. He lives and breathes his character with some wonderful improvising going on, hilarious even when he's hurting - I mean that in a nice way. Makes you wish he was in the original film more, as his character is barely seen in the second half when Combo shows up. An amazing actor - Woody by name, not wooden in nature.

Unlike Thomas Turgoose (Shaun). He was good as a boy in the film but has failed to blossom as he's matured. I think Meadows has realised this too, as he was reduced to a few scenes in the third part last night. Hope I'm not being too harsh, but he looks clumsy delivering his lines and there always seems to be a big fuck off pause before he actually does say it. I'm pleased Meadows hasn't let nostalgia rule his storyline, as most of the gang take a back seat and McClure and Gilgun rightly act their arses off - good decision, awards in the bag.

Has to be said, the cameo of Stephen Graham's Combo in episode two was genius. Lol telling him sorry for what she said in the car back in the film and that she loved him was lovely. That was the moment in film for me that sparked off bad Combo, and although he was vindicated at the end of 86 for taking the wrap for Lol killing her dad, this moment of heart felt loving is something he deserved. He'll be out on parole in TIE90 I'm hoping. Hope it doesn't interfere with Lol and Woody as them being back together now looks a done deal. Magic.

Goodbye Charlie Bright (and with it all integrity)

Goodbye Charlie Bright. A top notch heartwarming British cult film by Nick Love. Focusing on the volatile relationship between Charlie (Paul Nicholls) and Justin (Roland Manookian), this 2001 film is bright and brash as the early years under New Labour seemed to be - Happy-go-lucky, heartwarming and tender despite being set in a South London sink estate. It's one of my favourite films ever. Love everything about it - the British talent, the clobber (all Lacoste polos, RL and Hackett) and the storyline. However it's integrity has been hijacked. And I'll explain why...

This is the first dvd cover - showing the lads laughing on together against the bright background. Really is a nice true image of the contents of what you're buying...

However even though the film had decent reviews it remained a cult, almost underground, flick. So in 2005, on the back of Nick Love's second, and more commercially successful Football Factory, the DVD was repackaged to more of a FF style red case and text. You can't really blame Love or the publishers, and to be honest it was possibly a good thing, as it re-introduced the film into the mainstream.

BUT I will not allow this. Yet another repackaging and an appalling one. Choosing to focus on who and what is essentially a secondary character, merely an extra - none other than secondary-school top boys favourite Danny Dyer.

He's only in Charlie Bright for approximately 10 minutes (if that) and this is a shameless display of trying to cash in on his commerciallity - even though the guy is a sell out, two dimensional and a fucking waste of space. The photo isn't even from the film and quite similar, if not the same as, a repackaging of another film he was a part timer in - Borstal Boy. What's next? Mean Machine? The Business? A real, real disappointment to me. But I'll laugh when all the Dyer wannabe's are heartbroken when they actually buy the film from the bargain section from HMV and discover he isn't fucking in it. Hah.