Loaded Fashion: Casual Top Five

 From the first ever edition of Loaded Fashion (A/W 1998) - The Top Boys Top Five.

Has it changed much in 23 years?

Matchday Print

It's been just over two years since EFL clubs voted against compulsory production of matchday programmes. So far only Stevenage have gone online with their productions, being free to download. Colchester then took the novel step of giving away their programme as part of the match ticket. Further down the pyramid Barnet went online too.

It's a novel step. A lot goes into making a programme, pain staking work and deadlines for a product most will buy out of habit and then not read. So by going online with free to download you're potentially increasing readership (people not attending games or away fans unable to travel), keeping sponsor fees but losing the publishing and distribution costs. Given the whole COVID19 behind closed doors scenario, we may see more clubs than the three mentioned before follow suit with doing away with the progie.

Is it right though? I was an avid collector of matchday programmes when I was younger although maybe ten years ago I stopped buying. The problem is I can't remember what games I attended now so about 3-4 years ago I started buying again, just to aid my memory. It's part of the routine in going, as much as the pre match pint, pie and meeting of mates - a memento of the game, particularly aways - so can't see me getting into this online malarky if Pools bin it off.

In fact I know I won't . I used to be a purchaser of Pools fanzine Monkey Business. That went online years ago and I can't recall ever bothering to seek it out and read. Yet when some mush behind the Town End was selling it a pound a go , I was straight over.

Another defunct publication was the short lived Nationwide Review from the mid 90s. A small football league magazine priced a pound which didn't do so good, so then was given away with football programmes monthly. Again was short lived and disappeared. Given the internet was taking off it was commendable Nationwide chose to go with a publication for club news rather than a website - the net was no doubt what killed this mag off - however it would be another 25 years before the internet started to see off matchday programmes.

Epidemic - A Fashion Story

Subbuteo Adverts

Him Off The Viz

The hottest ticket in town on Sunday was Simon Donald's book reading. The stand up comic / Viz creator is doing some autobiography excerpts in a tiny second hand bookshop in ye olde Durham. A North East legend. My home town. An air of secrecy and exclusiveness surrounding the whole event. There were only twenty tickets available. Me and my mate have numbers one and two. We're excited. But Jesus, I hope we're not in the front row.

However my memories of the Viz are slim. It's not like I'm not a fan, just when it was in its mid 90s prime I was too young to form part of their readership. That didn't stop me nabbing Dads copies for a sly read. Memories include Spoilt Bastard getting a kicking off the Teletubbies, Cockney Wanker getting his black cab license and overcharging tourists, a readers competition to find any Man United fans actually from Manchester (some numpty angrily wrote in stating that indeed he was, but giving his address as Rochdale - he was promptly told 'Dale has a professional club). And then came my Billy the Fish Football Yearbook and his tales of fish like goalkeeping genius, lethal strike force of Shakin' Stevens and  Mick Hucknall, and buxom squaw Brown Fox with her geet massive chebs.

It's with these thoughts in mind I'm in a Durham pub, trying to recall more Vizzy goodness from memory, mainly so I've got some ammo at hand in I'm case quizzed later. If questioned then at least I'll not be judged as some kind of non Viz fan fraud by the stereotypical die hard comic book nerds that'll no doubt be in the audience, literally, by the dozen.

As the drinks flow me and my pal remember our joint favourite Viz moment, although it was actually post Donald years. Flashback 2010, we're coming back from a Hartlepool away fixture, coincidentally at Rochdale (for any confused Mancs, Pools played Rochdale, not Manchester United), and he bought a copy of Viz at Piccadilly. Now we're on the Northern rattler trying to keep our heads down as it's full of Leeds coming back from wherever they've raped, pillaged and picked up nil points that Saturday afternoon. Only we're laughing like drains at some random bits and pieces, it's only a matter of time before one of West Yorks Neanderthal grunts for the time and once we reply in deep Durham tones we'll promptly have our teeth removed. We're drawing attention to ourselves but we care not a jot for our fate, because we're lost in mirth at the sheer mental daftness on print. Like I say it was post Donald era but I'm sure he'll be happy his legacy is living on in belly laughed guffaws on a delayed train heading north, with football tensions rising...

It's strange that the directions to the People's Book Shop should be turn right  at Waterstones. The "proper" bookshop in all its corporate splendor on the main road, the one we're heading to through a blink-and-you'll-miss-it coffin sized tunnel/alley giving alternate route to the cathedral. Up some creaking, sloping wooden stairs and we're in at close quarters with Mr Donald himself. A unique venue, an icebox laden with Stella Artois (donations welcome), left-wing literature strewn shelves and tough metal seats as sharp as the wit as the man we've come to see...

Donald explains about the hi-tech equipment dotted around. He's recording us for his audiobook. Straight away we're part of this, we're in competition with bigger, better venues and the people of the People's Bookshop will not let our hero down. That's not to say, of course, we're over generous with the laughter - when we giggle and guffaw it's warranted. And there's plenty of laughs to come throughout the night...

Donald recounts autobiography paragraphs with witty results. Some quality coming of age schoolboy japes to pissed up heckling when denied a rigged magazine award. And most memorably when noticing the singer Robert Plant slipping off towards the toilet, Donald quizzed him at loud volume if he was going for one of his famous tunes - Hey Robert, are you going for a Big Log?
Heart warmingly Donald feels the need to over explain things from a certain era, for the younger members of the audience. Given that this is exclusively me and my mate Paul, we feel personally addressed by our hero as he looks over at us, although he's probably sussed us as the stealing dads' Viz types...

Interval. Donald mingles with the crowd given there's no dressing room (or stage curtain (or stage in fact)) to chill out, so is telling jokes and sharing past times with those who remember. It would be nice to listen but I need a wee. Back down the creaky lopsided stairs to form a queue outside the only wash closet. And then I get the aging Comic Book Guy trying to suss me, stating the loaded "the thing with Viz was it was a game changer". Shit. I don't need this. There's a few pints of pre-match Carlsberg swilling round, two bottles of Stella nipping the back of my head, I'm trying to think of what gems I can remember from Mellie's Profanasaurus Rex to fend him off, erstwhile thinking I'd rather be facing those Leeds fans again. Thankfully we're interrupted by someone re-entering the building, triumphantly announcing he took a piz in Varsity across the street. I do the same.

Second half. This mainly consists of FAQ that turn into some hilarious and compelling anecdotes. One such about Viz plots being that the best and funniest tales are based on truth. Donald sitting in a kebab shop at closing time in Toon, Two drunkards are troughing their boxes of death, one peels a string of kebab and starts rubbing it on his neck...
- Heearr, can yee smell porfume on me nek?
Mate, sniffs - Aye I can
First chap (rubs more kebab like a cheap aftershave advert) - worra bout noo?
- Nae lad ah cannae
- Fank fuck for that. Wor lass is like Shorlock fuckin Holmes
It went in Sid the Sexist.

Other memories include Donald's dark days with the newspapers, which he elaborates extensively on his encounters with the gutter press, but also of other celebrities (shall remain nameless) plight. Although not quite what I was expecting, it makes for fascinating listening. I then realise the atmosphere has shifted - this is not longer a stand up comedian doing a gig, we're mates now, he's having a chat amongst friends. Made possible by the intimate venue and the handful of kindred spirits present...

Full time. After bringing the house down with a goal for Pele (won't explain this - buy the book) and a highly amusing North East version of The Wheels on the Bus, we notice two 45 minute sets have spiralled into almost three hours of comedy and quality yarns. Then it's down to the bread and butter of book signing for Donald, no, Simon - we're friends now - with Sid the Sexist Tits Oot for Ian, a shameless photo opportunity with a celeb and a handshake.

A truly unique experience, fun had by all concerned and, most importantly, a new favourite Viz memory.

Pit 2 Pit

The latest high quality publication addition to the mag collection.  Sits canny with the likes of Proper, Mundial and HFTD, and is brought to you by a range of gentlemanly connoisseurs. At fifty pages it's a streamlined reminder of stuffs you like - jackets, pubs, cafe society and other cool bits and pieces.

In short, Pit 2 Pit fits perfectly.

Loaded Icons

 Loaded has had many iconic covers in its time, but many of my favourite icons have appeared on the front of the lads favourite. Here's a few...

Harvest From The Deep

New magazine venture produced by some North Shields connoisseurs. Sport, fashion, music and the simple things in life. And it's northern. Out soon.

Watch this rather amusing space @hftdmagazine for more deets.

Hooligan Weekly

In the days before mobile phones and internet forums how was the young, upwardly mobile dressers able to keep up with their firms' meets? What train was the designated? What clobber was in, and, more importantly, out? The answer is simple. A hastily drawn up and crude handwritten newsletter, complete with a small charge to cover the effort, and expense of photocopying at the local newsagents.

These are both examples from Motherwell's SS firms heyday, taken from Callum Bell's excellent book Saturday is Service Day - which was a bit of a wordy rather than picturey forerunner to the recent 'Dressers'.

Thrifty Shopper

I love a bargain. Here's a few purchases I've amassed in past few months via cheap but not always tasteful means...

GANT - Brand new, in my size and all for the low low price of £3.50 from the local hospice charity shop. Quality find that proves visiting your local thrift shop, despite leaving hundreds of times empty handed, eventually leaves you quids in...

CC Sweat - Had this since the summer actually, but now we've got to autumn it'll get a bit of wear. Full Metal Jacket inspired Viet conflict sweatshirt that says 'Yeah I support the boys overseas, but I'll do it whilst lounging round at home in a quality sweat. Deal with it". £12 from fleabay.

Decent Denim - Lost a fair bit of weight (two stone to be precise) so needed some new jeans as my arse was slipping off in the old ones. A lot of spoken about Japanese selvedge and the like, but I've headed West for the heritage brands of the US in Levi and Lee. By west I mean I went to the local TKM.

Woolrich - You can't beat a bit of Wooly. Got this vintage shirt from bay of despair for a few bob. Not sure what the design pattern is, but provides a bit of welcome relief from all checks in the wardrobe - Smart chambray with fossils. An added bonus is that it's a large. Get in there you formerly fat bastard.

Minster Moors - Love a shoe that looks like a burnt asymmetrical cornish pasty. So just as well I snapped these prime Minsters from the Connoisseur forum for a price of similar worth to fifteen of the Cornwall delicacies...

Faconnable - My favourite shirt brand of all time, but now available as a cap. Wow. Admittedly I'm not a cap wearer (my basey and Air Max days are about a fifth of a century behind me) but this was going for free on above said CC forum. Will name and shame the kind member - Hax. A true Gent who gave me holiday headwear for the price of a fart (only nice)...

Loaded - I only bought it for the articles. No really. Back in 1995 there were no semi nipped lasses in Loaded. Anyway a Great and Straight (Yeah) Shaun Ryder discusses newly formed Black Grape, plus a decent interview with the yet to be disgraced Ron Atkinson and an article on Casuals shopping. From Bay for a bob or two, expect a blog involving this in the not too distance future...

Coal not Dole - Pin badge for a quid. Just doing my bit, a show of support for the NUM. The union will never cave in...

Serpico - Gone full circle and back to the same charity shop where I got this cult classic, that I've shamefully never owned, for 50p. Widescreen edition too so I can appreciate the great mans beard and choice in hats in all there glory...