Joe is your Friend
Get the coffee in. Drink it, smoke it, stick it on a spoon, burn and then inhale it. Or even take in a nice cheeky line of the finest Kenco pure Colombian. Either way you're going to need a caffeine hit to get you through the first couple of days. And by first couple of days, I mean the next 16 years of your life.
Clobber Close Down
Lock up the Lacoste, stash away your Stone Island and bury that Barbour. No point wearing owt decent for the foreseeable, what with drool, sick, piss and shit (although I'm used to that after a night out on North Road). High street the order of the day, stuff you don't mind getting wrecked - George, BHS and Primark. Real piss poor gear. And Penguin.
Brainwashing
Don't be afraid to inflict your beliefs on your offspring. Jake is only 50 odd days old and already supports Hartlepool United, likes his clothes, votes Labour and has a Nectar card.
Background Reading
Do your research before he arrives and read books on baby's, their behaviour and illnesses etc. I didn't and have regretted it. But I did read 'Hallelujah'. So I know nowt about the little mans behaviour, but I do know plenty about Shaun Ryder's on the Mondays '99 reunion tour. And that is invaluable.
Talk Talk
None of that baby talk rubbish, chat for real with your lad. You want a good natter as soon as he can - about Pools squad rotation, Nick Clegg being a cunt and the quality of latest Adidas reissues. What else are you going to do? Talk to the wife? Give over.
4am TV
When up in the early hours, embrace the chance to see the watershed in reverse. The other night I watched the tail end of Enemy at the Gate followed by Thomas the Tank Engine. And if you fancy being risque - the top end freeview channels have muted crack whores girating for the camera in their skiddies, talking to some night porter getting his rocks off on the other end of the phone. Showings finish 6am. And are then followed by Peppa Pig. She keeps her clothes on though. Disappointing.
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