First up with the weather looking non too pleasant, us having the wettest drought in history and let's face it, it's Scotland, the main order of the day has got to be cagoules. And shed loads of them. All the colours of a (dark) rainbow for keeping myself and the family dry (but not hers).
Next up for those piss wet long evenings of being holed up in a white plastic coffin on rigid stays, you'll need a decent pack of cards. Great for knockout wist, patience and strip snap. Although probably not much of the last one. I was telling my mate the other day about how when I first met the wife I took her home and we played cards. His reply ''Poker?'' Mine ''No, we just had a bit of a cuddle''.
To go with those nights of ripping off the in-laws by marking cards you'll need a nice drop of ale. Well quickly brewed gassy amber fluid. And when in Rome do as the Romans (not shag your sister, stab your leader or fight with Asterix the Gaul) and opt for Tennents. Smashing bit of lager pop. Being only an hour and a half away from the Scotch border it's a bit disappointing Sainsburys Durham don't import it. I'll have to smuggle some past passport control.
Time to take it easy the following morning so perhaps a nice read whilst your head clears. Heading to the back of beyond on a canny journey puts me in mind for the memoirs of a journeyman goalkeeper. Budgie is on loan from DCC library services and charts the tale of mad cap keeper John Burridge. Quite apt as he probably turned out for Eyemouth FC during his 500 odd club career.
Also picked up 'Saturday is Service Day' in the charity booksale round Newton Hall library. A suspiciously thin and a potentially all bullshit account of Motherwell's rough element. Apparently they were established in 1983 like myself, but I dare say more people have heard of me. Our clothing tastes vary too because the chap waving the Union flag on the front appears to be wearing a Reebok jumper. Regardless it's about Scotland and FV, and most importantly was only 20p - which is a mammoth saving of £9.80 on the RRP. And there is a recession on guys. That's why mums go to...the library.
Staying in this night after that bloody shambles last night. I don't remember dancing on the table. The patio one of the caravan opposite that is. So watch a nice light-hearted and topical DVD. If you can find the DVD player. Not joking. Last time we arrived on the Monday and only found out about it on the Thursday. Built into the flat screen? What? How? If it isn't Beta Max we're not interested. Anyway the DVD choice isn't really light hearted but topical, gripping and essential viewing.
Next up the bairns England kit. Because we're English and we're abroad. And we're English.
Next an essential piece of non illegal kit, the Victorinox original Swiss Army knife in go faster red. It's not a classy Connoisseur one but I've had this for roughly 15-18 years and has been with me through thick and thin - usually safely back at home under my bed where it poses no threat/use. The ultimate survival tool - will keep you alive in the desert for a year. Without water. So it'll be handy in a Gold Plus static holiday home. Also offers some protection to your family from caravaning burglars - ''back off lads, he's got some tweezers''.
Finally those bits of clobber that you only seem to wear when on hols. The baby blue Stoney cardigan for example. Bright and gaudy short sleeve summer shirts you'll wear because you're on holiday and won't except it's fucking freezing - but you'll take time off work with a chill on your kidneys when you get back. Also the Hackett rugger shirt made famous by Goodbye Charlie Bright. The one with a St. George cross on the back. Again because we're England on tour in another country. Nothing says juxtaposition like drinking Scotch lager and wearing an Eng-er-land flag.
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